Top 10 Most Ridiculous Quotes

10.  “I don’t pay child support, because I don’t want her to use my money so she can partying!”  From what I understand, this is the number one excuse to why deadbeats never pay their child support.  Ironically, at least in our case, the one who is out partying, and by partying I mean getting stoned, is Bio-Dad.

9.  “I signed off on supervised visits so I didn’t have to deal with her…”  I understand that dealing with an ex is difficult and often ugly, but who would willingly sign off on supervised visits with your child?!?

8.  “Which team does he play for again?” – This quote dates a couple of games into the 2008 Pee-Wee football season.  Michael’s Mom and I had just started to date, and we were enjoying a gorgeous sunny day watching the little guy play.  The game was at a local high school, which had a large set of concrete bleachers.  We sat mostly by ourselves, nearly to the very top, which allowed us to noxiously watch Johnnie stumble his way up the steps.  “Which team does Michael play for again?” Seriously, dude?!?

7.  “My Mom pays it for me.”  In March 2009, Johnnie took Michael’s mother to court, citing attempted kidnapping when Michael’s mother moved to Northern Virginia for school.  When the Judge saw that Michael’s Mom was the custodial parent, he asked if Johnnie had been keeping up with his child support payments.  “That’s nice of your mother to pay your support payments, sir…but the question was, have you been keeping up with YOUR court appointed obligations?”  Once again, Johnnie repeats himself and the court erupts in laughter.

6.  “Just be a good boy and go get my son something else then your only advancing my seed, thanks and try to take him hunting too” This was a two-day email chain and in retrospect was a complete waste of my time…disgusting that Johnnie refers to his child as “seed,” but I guess the silver-lining in this statement is the right usage of “too”…

6a. “Please just stay out of it and play with your left overs” Johnnie followed the previous statement with this gem.

6b.  “O yeah do not ever write me again please you need help for whatever complex you have so go write a shrink and do no and I mean Do Not Ever Write Me Again” As English teachers faint across the US from a piss-poor grammar overdose!

6c. “Whos kids bike is that what is that about a 650” This email came less than 30 seconds from the previous comment.  Johnnie is obviously taking this chat one thought at a time.

5. “Only trust the Germans and the French” I should mention that Johnnie is a history buff, especially Civil War topics, so when Michael came home preaching this, after one of his monthly weekend visits to Tennessee, I couldn’t help but think about the irony. 

4.  “I had to smack her around because she kissed my grandmother!”  After almost 4 years of denying he was ever physically abusive to Michael’s mother, Johnnie let this quote rip.  Nice job, tough guy…

3.  “In Tennessee, supervised visits means that my grandparents could pick him up for visits or my mother could…”  Apparently, Tennessee is the only state in the country with a law like this, because my interpretation of supervised visits meant that your dumbass couldn’t be trusted to be alone with the kid.

2.  “I’m glad you’re moving out of Virginia…get my son away from all the ‘Blacks’ and ‘Muslims!’”  This quote is wrong on so many levels.  I wish I didn’t have to share this one at all!  Unfortunately, it is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve heard Johnnie say.  Combined with his German comments…well, I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.

1.  “I would think that since you are actually a biological father now, you might understand where I am coming from.”  I am a biological father now, but I have no clue where Johnnie is coming from on this because I do not agree with his approach to being a father.

And a special bonus:

“Why would you want to take him (Michael) away from his family?”

No, Johnnie.  I don’t want to take Michael away from his family.  I want to take him away from YOU!

The Deadbeat

This entry was difficult to make light of.  As I wrote this, I came to the realization that this man isn’t personally funny.  He’s just an idiot. I don’t know if he can help it, he really just has no clue what appropriate behavior is.  Still, the information is important because if I don’t say it now, entries are not going to make much sense and ultimately fail at my humble attempt at being funny.  And if we can’t laugh about it…well, then it just seems mean.

Mr. “Johnnie BBQ”, from small-town eastern-Tennessee, or as he boldly claims, “the great land of Davey Crockett!”  Sorry, I can’t help myself sometimes, the guy is an idiot!  And yes, that is a direct quote from an email.

Anyway!

Being from a small town myself, I noticed that there seems to be an accepted way of life that is repeated for generations.  For instance, where I grew up, the mentality for many of the girls I knew was that they needed to be married immediately after high school and start a family.  Like other small towns, Johnnie's probably had the same belief but his family, in particular, liked to add a little twist! 

Johnnie’s family has a history of having children at really young ages and leaving the responsibility to their parents to raise the child.  So after Michael was born, Johnnie continued to roam the streets, knowing his mother was around to make sure that his little family was provided for.  To be honest, I think this is what Johnnie has come to expect.  From what I understand, he got everything he wanted growing up and grew accustomed to pitching fits when things didn’t go his way. 

His family was, and still is, like a horrible dog owner.  When a Chihuahua bites someone’s finger, the worst thing anyone could do is think it’s cute, pet the dog, and talk to it in a baby-voice.  All it does is re-enforces the bad behavior and the dog will continue to bite.  Johnnie’ parents are no different, rather than nipping this shit in the ass when he was a kid.  They went into denial and re-enforced the behavior with cars, clothes, and cover-ups…especially during hissy-fits that became violent, which was interestingly only ever directed towards women.

 Johnnie's top priority is what everyone around him thinks about him.  He really doesn’t care that he current owes $15,000 in back child support.  What is important to him, is that his friends and family believe he is a wonderful parent because he continues to call Michael, although he hides that he only does it periodically…and only when it’s convenient. 

In essence, I guess the man is kind of funny.  Sometimes it’s because of idiot statements or his depictions of the alternative universe he lives in.  But really, I just think it’s funny to watch and listen to a 35-year old man act like a 12-year old boy who had their Xbox taken away.  

The Introduction

Back around 2005, I was introduced to the phrase, "other people's children."  I smirked as I first heard it, because of the context in how it was used.  The saying was mainly directed to a conversation involving the type of person who is driving their car down a two-lane road and quickly approaches an intersection.  The left lane is meant to go straight, while the right-hand lane is solely dedicated to right-hand turns.  Yet, this person continues to drive in the left lane until the last possible second and inconsiderately forces their way between two other cars and into the other lane.

Fast forward to 2009, as I am marrying my cousin’s sister.  Wait…that sounds terrible.  See, it was my cousin’s wife who introduced me to her sister.  I love telling that joke when I first meet people, their eyes tend to cross and roll around in their heads before I fill them in to the rest of the story. 

Anyway, so when I decided to ask this girl to marry me, I had also accepted that her son, “Michael,” would move into my home as well.  Not that I needed much convincing.  I knew that Michael was a fantastic kid, but in all honesty, he really needed a male presence in his life after basically being raised by his Mom and paternal Grandmother.  I’ve been Michael’s “Dad” now for almost six years and had a number of experiences with Michael’s birth father that now when I think of, “other people's children,” I can't help but to think of Michael’s biological father...and belly laugh hard enough for my face to turn red and left gasping for air!

Seriously!  I consider myself to be a semi-talented creative writer and I've seen more than my share fair share of movies, but there is no way I think anyone could possibly make up any of the stunts this idiot tries to pull!  

UPDATE:

My hope with this blog is document, highlight, and share his antics to the world!  I really don’t have reason why.  Maybe it has something to do with his constant pursuit to demonstrate how great of a Dad he is to his friends and family…maybe it’s to show his friends and family the other half of the story.  Maybe it’s too damn funny to me not to share!  Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys my new blog as much as I have making fun of this knucklehead! 


I'd also like to add that I will also be including what legal steps we have taken and siting information as I come across it that reflects our particular situation.  I hope that this blog will also help in any "adventures" you might have and I encourage any and all feedback!